Some recent events made me tremble…

Earlier this year, I had a disagreement with one of my neighbours. I was working in a hospital, going to college, attending the VYG meetings, I had to take care of my house and coordinate a project; in short, I was in a rush and I wasn’t making time for God nor doing those things for Him. They had become a routine, an obligation.

One day, when I was going to my backyard to feed the chickens, my neighbour and her daughter, who were both pregnant, were laughing and talking loudly. They said something that sounded like they were dropping a hint to me. In that moment, I was no longer in spirit, actually I didn’t even start off in the spirit. They used to do several things that annoyed me. I had been praying for them for a while, but I was unable to accept or ignore what I heard that day. I didn’t think and just said everything that came to mind. I accused her of things that I knew she had done, and she told me things that I couldn’t even remember anymore…

Time passed and I would pray for her, but I never looked at her again, nor did she look at me. The mother and daughter both lost their babies.

One day, my neighbour’s daughter was admitted to the hospital where I worked. After suffering a miscarriage, she overdosed on prescription drugs. The doctors tried to save her, but they were unable to. She had committed suicide.

I wasn’t there at the time. When I got home, another neighbour asked me if I knew she had committed suicide. She was the girl everyone was talking about, who had been admitted to the emergency room. I didn’t know what was going on in my mind. I could only think of the times I saw her at the station going to psychiatric appointments, but I never gave in to my pride. I was really bad and after that, I became worse. Even after all that had happened, I still couldn’t speak to her mother.

I stopped working at that hospital and moved to another city, but I didn’t sell the house. Due to the pandemic, I had to go back to that house and found out that my neighbour’s husband had left her and she had sent her children to live with relatives, and was now alone at home for three days.

We live in wooden houses and we could hear everything that was going on in the other houses, even if we didn’t want to. I believe that God allowed me to know everything that was happening to her, because her suffering began to bother me.

I came back different. I quit the project I was coordinating in the church and took some time to analyse myself, as I was in no position to help anyone. I started watching the Godllywood meditations that fed me spiritually, but there was something bad inside of me, something bitter.

I spoke with my pastor as I couldn’t sleep at night. The silence in her house tormented me more than the laughter and loud music I used to hear before. I wanted to know how she was, but I couldn’t speak to her. It felt like I was tied up in my pride.

The pastor advised me to ask her for forgiveness. I told him that I had tried to talk to her but was unable to. I stood behind her wall, watching her, but I couldn’t get in, so I ran back home. It was like I was afraid of how she would react. She had lost a lot of weight and was smoking one cigarette after another. She was wasting away. I cried and thought, “Why do I care so much?”

The pastor told me to fast and that I would be able to forgive her. I will never forget the 21st of August, as it was on that day at 11:15am that she was hanging her clothes out to dry and I had just come from church. It was a Friday. I called her and asked her for forgiveness. When I did that, she burst into tears. She said it was the anniversary of her daughter’s death and that she had kicked her husband out. Her children were with family members and she had written a suicide letter. All of her depression pills were on the table and as soon as she finished hanging her clothes and cleaning her house, she planned to commit suicide. In the letter, she explained what should be done with her possessions. She said that she knew she was wrong, and she had nothing to forgive me for, but she just wanted to be with her daughter.

Right then, I asked her to go to church with me. We went to the midday service, the pastor talked to her and she decided not to commit suicide. She went to church on Sunday and her husband came back home the following Saturday. The Sunday after, when we were returning from church, she said her children were coming back home. She has continued coming to the church, and I have no words to describe the joy I have when I see her there.

I cannot change the past nor can I bring her daughter back, but I can help her live with reality, as I am too, because this is a fact. I don’t want to draw back from faith anymore, and the meditations helped me to see that I was making mistakes with myself, with God and with everyone around me. I decided to look inside myself and each time, I realised that I have more to improve, but I have God and I have you. People like me are improving for God. The penny has dropped. People like me – who are stubborn, religious, and full of themselves – were putting the Lord Jesus to shame and leading other people to hell. That is exactly what I was doing. The truth is, that girl committed suicide because she didn’t see God in me. She saw everything in me except the Lord Jesus. She saw the devil in me when I was upset and fought with her mother. But today, thanks to God and the truths I heard, I am able to see my wrongs.

I was so deceived that I was sure that when Jesus returned, I would go to Heaven with Him. But certainly, the people I thought would stay here, would go with Him while I would stay. When we are not well, we see flaws in everyone but ourselves. We demand too much from others, but we are true Pharisees. I was rotten. I’m still nothing, but at least now I know my place, and I have also learned that I can change based on the things I hear in the meditations. I started well, and even though I was attending the church, I ended up getting lost because of small details; I didn’t watch.

Anonymous Author