Hi, Mrs. Viviane!

I have been wanting to send this email for a long time, but because of embarrassment, fear, etc., I never did.

However, the Holy Spirit has been urging me to do this.

Exposing our flaws and revealing what is really inside, is not easy. I was wondering why? Why not expose my weaknesses, if everyone has them and goes through inner struggles?

After much searching, the answer came to me: I did not want to change. Even though I was aware of my flaws and knew that I should provoke a change, I was not willing to leave my comfort zone.

When you came to Portugal, I noticed that your objective was to cause a revolution within each one of us, and that’s what happened.

At each meeting, I felt hurt.

At that time, I did not see that there was something I had to change, and I often condemned you, thinking: “She thinks she knows everything. Are we all possessed?…”

I was too proud to accept that those words hurt me, because I was complacent and had many fears. Everyone thought I was pretty, friendly, fun, but how about my spirit?

Today, I wonder what my friends thought about my spirit? Because, very few of them had the courage to tell me the truth, and when they did, again I would feel hurt. After all, I was so nice to them… How could they talk to me like that?

The truth is that, during that time, I had nothing to give anyone who was around me. I was extremely busy, trying to hide my weaknesses, so that no one knew that this friendly girl was full of flaws, and full of herself.

When I left Portugal and came to Luxembourg, I was faced with a completely different reality: we were just three pastor’s wives, and at the time, the leader was Mrs. Marina, and like me, she was also not well.

Now, there was no one to give me an encouraging word, or guide me, and I was thirsty. This was when a “cry” of revolt started forming inside: “My God, I’m alone, without friends to make me feel better!”

The Church where we were sent to was empty, and the few people we had needed me so much… What was I going to do now, alone, without the direction of a leader…?

This was when I understood every meeting that you had with us. I understood why those words hurt me so much. The time came to choose: change or continue the same way, feeling so much pain.

Of course, I made the most difficult choice, but I changed and am still changing. And this is the main reason for this email. I want to ask you to FORGIVE me for judging you so many times, when all you wanted was to help. And say THANK YOU for opening my eyes in so many whys.

Today, I know who I am and I’m disgusted with the person I used to be.

The questions still remain, but this just means that I have tried to analyze myself EVERY DAY, and I admit that there are daily changes in me.

I have so much to tell you: new experiences, new challenges… But I’ll leave those for the following email.

THANK YOU very much for existing in my life and hurting me so “violently”!

Olga Lopes