See previous posts (1) here and (2) here.

When a man is satisfied in a relationship, he doesn’t see the need to improve things. The problem is that it’s very easy to satisfy a man, women not so much. That’s why, when an unsatisfied woman complains with a man about a relationship, he thinks she is finding a problem where one doesn’t exist. The male philosophy usually is “If the team is winning, why mess with the game plan?” And if he is “winning” what he wants from the relationship, he doesn’t see the need to tamper with things.

Then the woman gets into a difficult situation. If she continues to complain, he thinks she’s annoying. If she stops complaining, he doesn’t see any reason to improve. What to do?

There’s no magic formula. Some men start to try to improve after a woman stops complaining. While she insisted, his masculine pride, hurt by a her demands, wouldn’t let him do anything. But from hearing the complaints so often, he registered what she wanted him to change in his mind. And through her silence, the time it took to calm his ego, he ends up making some changes to please her. Then he thinks that it was clearly his idea. That’s why; it’s worth waiting awhile after you stop the complaints, in order to see your husband’s reaction.

Yet some men are more resistant. They don’t catch on or much less improve easily. They’re just happy that their wife stopped complaining. Another strategy can work on them: take away the basics.

One of the few ways you influence a complacent man to do something and help him improve is to take away his comfort. I’m not trying to say that you will start to treat him badly or be vengeful. I’m talking about the law of  ‘giving and receiving.’ If he doesn’t give, then he will stop receiving from you – especially in cases where he has hurt you, disrespected, or been inconsiderate.

For example, why should a husband who comes home late (after a night out with friends,) flirts with other women, and lies to you receive everything as if nothing wrong was going on between the two of you? Clean clothes, warm food, sex whenever he wants? Consider this: what if one day when he comes back home late he doesn’t find you because you got tired of playing the clown and went back to your mother’s house? And what if you don’t accept to come back until he proves that he has changed? No more waiting up for him, no more disrespect, no more sex that only he enjoys?

In other words, I’m speaking about letting him feel the consequences of his actions. I repeat, you wouldn’t do this in a malicious or provoking way, but in a way that you make it clear that you won’t stand for this kind of treatment. A lot of men tend to learn through suffering the consequences.

However, if your husband is not disrespecting you or doing something wrong; but he’s simply complacent, he does the bare minimum for the relationship, the same principle applies. The “giving to receiving,” strategy should be used. Of course, you’re not going to be so dramatic and stay at your mother’s house, because he didn’t give you a cause for that, but you’re going to negotiate with him. “My love, I know you want to play soccer with your friends on Saturday right? So, take me out to the movies on Friday night and Saturday afternoon is all yours.”

The woman who learns to do this can get anything out of her husband. The problem is that many see this as manipulation, or they think it shouldn’t be this way. “He should do this because he loves me, not because he’s getting something in return.” Rosilda, the truth is he loves you, BUT he also wants something in return. That’s how men work. To argue or debate about this is a waste of time. It’s like complaining that rain is wet. It’s not going to change anything. It’s much more effective to think like him and start to negotiate.

We’ll continue with more strategies in the next post.

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