We all have needs and things we want, (wishes.) You need to nourish yourself, but once in a while you want to eat a succulent Argentinean filet (or an organic apple from the groves of Washington, if you’re a vegetarian.) You need a car, but perhaps you want a luxurious German machine with the smell of leather inside. You need to clothe yourself, but you desire an Italian outfit.  

As you noticed, there’s a large spread between a need and a wish. Sometimes there’s a huge spread, sometimes a small one.

In marriage we also have the presence of needs and wants. You need your partner to be faithful. But perhaps you want him to not look at other women on the street, on TV or the internet. You need respect from your wife. But perhaps you also want her to compliment you once in a while.

The lesson here is:

You’re only going to get what you want from your partner when you give him/her what he/she needs. Giving him what he* needs will sustain your marriage. But a wonderful marriage will come from giving him what he wants.

The main problems occur from an imbalance on these points:

• Requiring you get what you want without giving what the other needs (ex. sex every day without uttering a single affectionate word.)
• Giving what the other person wants but not what they need (ex. the husband who brings flowers but is unfaithful)
• Giving only what the other person needs and thinking that their wishes are too much (“I provide everything you need at home, what more do you want?”)
• Not fulfilling their needs and much less their wants (at the brink of divorce)

If you want to have a happy relationship, understand these basic truths about human beings (your spouse is one):

All human beings have needs and wishes. Needs should be met before wishes. Once fulfilled, wishes become very important.

Start by asking: What does my spouse need from me?” If the answer isn’t so obvious ask him/her. Then, fulfill their every need. Later, ask yourself. “What is it my wife/husband wants that I can I begin to fulfill?

Don’t think that wishes and wants are necessarily expensive or idyllic. Your spouse can have a simple wish which doesn’t cost you anything, just a little effort. Most of the time, needs require much more to be realized than wants and wishes. What’s harder, for example, to work the entire month to pay the bills or to dance to that romantic song with her like she’s always asking?

Supplying the needs of your spouse, you will sustain your marriage. Fulfilling their wishes will make the two of you one of the happiest couples in the world. Ignoring both is the fastest way to a divorce.

Decide your destiny

*All of the above can be applied to “him” or “her.”

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