Roberta wrote:

I’ve been married for six years. I never mistrusted my husband, until recently when he started acting strangely with his cell phone. He wouldn’t let me see it; he would delete his message history. Until one day when I went to look at his phone and found several messages from another woman. Due to my insistence, he told me that he had gone out with a married woman, but never slept with her. He told me he was sorry and didn’t want to throw in the towel because of this.

The next day I asked him if the woman had called and he said that he had told her to stop looking for him that his marriage was more important. He erased her phone number, he changed a bit, he has been more affectionate with me; he started to be what he was in the beginning of our marriage. I told him he would have to do a lot before I believed in him again.

What can I do to trust him again? I suspect everything, I try not to show it but it’s corroding me from the inside. I keep asking myself, is he truly sorry or is it an act? Did I do the right thing in forgiving him? I had thought of giving up, because I don’t want to live a lie, but I love him and would like everything to be different.

Before answering the question, I ask those who are about to commit an act of adultery:

Do you really think it is going to be worth it?

Look at what Roberta’s husband brought upon her and himself. It doesn’t matter how much they work on their marriage, even if they are able to save it, it will never be the same. The blemish will remain. The scar will remain permanently on Roberta’s heart. She lost respect for her husband and he will have to work above and beyond the normal call of duty to prove himself worthy again. Years may pass, but that memory will remain like a ghost haunting them.

Wake up! It’s not worth it.

Now, for the Robertas in this situation.

Trust depends on two essential ingredients: transparency and performance.

Transparency

Transparency refers to the free flow of information between a couple, nothing hidden, no half-truths, or white lies “to avoid the worst” supposedly. There is sincerity in the information as well as in the expression of thoughts. One doesn’t have to be pressure or investigate the other because the information is offered with anticipation.

This transparency should be practiced in everything between the couple: phone calls, access to cell phones, e-mails, computers, internet history, the use of money, trips, meetings with others on the absence of their spouse etc. It shouldn’t be used to control their partner, but as a healthy practice in marriage. I emphasize, this should practice needs to exist between any married couples, whether there has been a betrayal or not. Of course this becomes even more important after a betrayal.

A few steps to consider in order for there to be transparency:

1. Always speak the truth
2. Encourage the other to speak the truth through your balanced reactions when this happens, even if the truth will be unpleasant
3. Let opposing views be expressed: be open to different opinions that the other may have. Everybody doesn’t think alike and this doesn’t have to be a problem
4. Have unpleasant conversations: don’t avoid the subject just because it’s hard
5. Be open-minded to hear people with authority on the subject. This helps you to inform yourself on the subjects so that your opinions are based on facts that are acceptable by capable people — in other words, it’s not just your personal opinion
6. Admit your mistakes

Performance

Performance refers to the ability to demonstrate good behavior. You don’t simply promise change, you change and show that you have changed. Understand that after a betrayal, it takes a while for a new performance history to be built. The longer you are consistent in your changed performance, more trust will be restored.

The one who betrayed trust will have to work hard on their transparency and performance. The one who was betrayed will have to work on placing conditions and have zero tolerance in failure to comply — while looking to focus on the present and future, without throwing the past in the other person’s face.

At times one or both may need external help to deal with these challenges.

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