This wife wrote us:

I’m 35 years old, my husband is 39, and we dated for seven years and have been married for fourteen years. We also have twelve year old twins. If I had known my husband’s faults before marriage, I wouldn’t have married him. His family is constantly intruding in our relationship, and since I don’t like small talk or arguments, I preferred to distance myself. They stay away from me and my children, but they still influence my husband when he goes to visit them. I don’t know what they talk about, but my husband always comes back differently; cold, sad, and even nervous, but he never tells me what happened. This makes me sad, because I thought marriage was about companionship, communication and trust.

When I would tell him what his family did to me he wouldn’t believe me or even defend me. I got tired. I built a wall around my heart which has turned to stone.

What’s bothering me is this closeness he has to them. He knows that trying to live with both of us won’t do (me and them.) I’m really tired. Either he figures out what he wants in life or he can leave. If after 21 years together he still hasn’t figured out who’s who in his life, and who does what for his life to be good, he can go. This is what’s discouraging me from going on with this marriage.

-Tired

Friend, this situation with his parents is difficult indeed. But it’s practically impossible for someone to completely cut themselves off from their family of origin, no matter how bad they are. For example, imagine one of your sons grows up and gets married, but you don’t get along with your daughter-in-law, for whatever reason. Then she requires that your son cut off all contact from you. You would never accept that, and this pressure would put a great deal of stress on your relationship. Your son would be divided between pleasing his mother and his wife, and he would never be able to do both.

That’s what’s happening to your husband. He has no control or blame for their wrongdoings. Yes, he could and should be more on your side when you’re being attacked by them. He fails in this aspect. But this failure is common in a situation like this. Men have difficulty finding balance with this issue. But you can help him to find balance.

What would happen if you change your scope on things, if you stop looking at things like an ultimatum “it’s either me or them,” and see it like this: “my husband isn’t to blame for the family he has?”

We can choose our friends, but we can’t choose our family. This is a factor you should consider well, when you get married. Everyone brings the family they have right along with them. And your husband, unfortunately, has the one he’s got. But isn’t he worthy of your efforts, and your children as well?

What we recommend in these situations is that the spouse mistreated by family members (you) act diplomatically. You don’t have to fall in love with them, but you don’t have to start the cold war either. You can be diplomatic, cordial, and well-mannered without sucking up to them. But you really have to stop criticizing them. Every time you criticize your husband’s family, he feels like you’re criticizing him. That won’t work. (He obviously doesn’t share more about his family because he’s afraid of your criticism.)

You would be doing all of this FOR HIM, not for them. And in exchange, you would require him to protect you and take your side in case of an attack on their part against you.

Friend, everything is negotiable. Think of your objectives in the long run. There were no betrayals or more serious matters that justify the end of your marriage. Don’t be diffucult and inflexible like that. Believe me: getting a divorce for this reason is not worth the effort. And know that in the end, if you divorce, the one mainly responsible won’t be your husband or his family but your hardened heart. You have to break the rock your heart has turned into.

“Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. (Jesus, Matthew 19:8)

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