A problem is heating up between a couple. Neither of the two says a single word for a while, until one can’t take it anymore and points a finger: “You could do more of this and less of that; be more like this and less like that.”

The observation is fair. Truly the other is failing, and if they stop and think about what they just heard, they would recognize their mistake. But normally, the instinct to defend oneself is greater than reason and the person answers: “Yes, but you’ve also done this, that and the other thing. And on top of that, you’ve been treating me like this and that.”

Our instinct is to switch the focus from our mistakes to the other person’s mistakes, dividing the blame, so it doesn’t seem so bad.

The problem is this doesn’t work. You will go at it until your hair turns gray but you won’t solve anything, you’ll just make things worse.

What’s the solution? Change the comma after “yes” to a period, and the “but” to “I recognize.”

When your partner points something out about your behavior which is bad for your relationship, instead of answering, “Yes, but…” and finishing off with other accusations, simply say “yes”, period. Don’t amend things by pointing fingers. If you want to say something else, let it be something that shows you recognize your mistake, or ask a question to better understand what your partner is saying.

“Yes, I recognize that I watch too much TV and almost never take you out. How can we make this better? I have some ideas, but I would like to hear yours as well.”

In other words, take the conversation towards a satisfactory solution. Reach an agreement, agree on what you’ll do differently, then do what you agreed upon.

Of course you may have your complaints as well, but this is not the best time to bring them to light; right when your significant other pointed out your mistakes. It becomes ping-pong.

At another time, or another day, bring up your complaint. Then follow the same process. If your partner makes the mistake of defending themselves, simply remind them: “Love, I will be happy to deal with your complaint at a later time, as I did with the one you said about me the last time, but right now I would like to speak about the point I made.”

This works.

Remember, change the comma to a period and the “but” to “I recognize.” And stick to one subject at a time.

Just ping, don’t pong.

Also read:

[related_posts]