When two people get married, they each bring into the marriage their own sets of problems and personal issues. What you don’t see on the pearly wedding invitation are things like, “John Doe, porn addict, severely bullied as a kid, extremely insecure as a man, will marry Mary Jane, abused as a child, a walking time-bomb, who’s in for anything that gets her out of her parents’ house.” Any ideas where that marriage is headed, anyone?

At the time of your wedding you know only about 10-20% of the person you’re marrying, at best. And most of that is knowledge about his or her good side. That’s because most of us do a good job of hiding our faults while we’re dating (reason why I advocate full personality and background disclosures during courtship to minimize surprises later).

It’s only as the years go by, and the couple face different challenges and circumstances together, that they begin to know each other as they really are.

Differences become more apparent, personalities clash, personal issues are revealed and begin to take a toll on the relationship. What now? When you don’t know what to do about those differences, the problems remain unresolved and the marriage deteriorates. A few years down the line, if nothing changes, divorce ensues. What is divorce anyway, if not an exit strategy when marital problems go unresolved for too long?

Happy marriages take work. They don’t just happen. And the work has to begin in acknowledging your own personal issues and dealing with them, rather than focusing on your partner’s faults. Remember, if you fix yourself, your marriage problems will be halved — even before your partner changes one bit. The thing is that when they see how much you’ve changed, and stopped bugging them to change, they’ll feel embarrassed to stay the same.

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